A few minutes late, here's a roundup of tech-related April Fool's jokes, if you're not sick of them already (Slashdot went a little crazy this year): http://news.com.com/2061-10786-5650217.html?tag=xtra.ml -Declan -------- Original Message -------- Date: Fri, 1 Apr 2005 08:11:38 -0500 From: J.D. Abolins <jabolins@private> Reply-To: jabolins@private Organization: Meyda Online To: Declan McCullagh <declan@private> CC: humour@private References: <424CE27F.6010200@private> On Friday 01 April 2005 00:56, you wrote: > [Let's hope this is a joke! --Declan] That "Darwin" item is of a religious group speaking to a technology company. Here's a text from a technology company speaking to certain religious groups. J.D. Abolins ------ [Chosen Point Logo: A big eye icon with "fish tail" line extensions on the right. Chosen Point text has a tiny "i" inserted inside the first "o" to hint of the international information icon.] "Choice Systems for Choosy Churches” Chosen Point, Inc. 1984 Wormwood Drive, Suite 16 Bentonville, Arkansas 72716 USA 479-555-0666 April 1, 2005 For Immediate Release Rapid Falls, ID – At the Idaho ChurchTech Expo, Chosen Point presented its new service for religious organizations. These services are to help churches serve their non-profit corporate mission more effectively by reducing liabilities for staff and member behavior and by improving efficiency. “Many clergy have the outdated notion that the church can and should reach out to just anybody. But we've seen the numerous disasters such as the recent church massacre in Wisconsin when member went postal at a sermon comment,” said Thomas Jameson, Chosen Point's CEO. He added to risks of indiscriminate acceptance, “The dangers are not just from violence. How many churches find themselves encumbered by overly demanding congregants who are total losers better served by government services? How many clergy's marriages or domestic partnerships are shipwrecked by seductive assistants? We have the answer to these and other problems: Chosen Point background checks and maintenance monitoring.” The Chosen Point “FishNET” service allows clergy to screen new attendees to find high quality people who should be encouraged to attend and winnow out the problem people. Too often, well meaning religious workers will divert their efforts to people who will eventually drain resources. Meanwhile, they will devote too little attention to winning those people who can bring quality, financial resources,, and stability. Using the latest marketing and Customer Relations Management (CRM) techniques, Chosen Point enhances discernment. Jameson explained the merits of CRM for religious organizations, “CRM will help you keep the 'angel' congregants and 'exorcize' the 'demon' congregants. Build up the 'angels' by not letting the 'demons' bedevil you and your church. Remember, a high power church is not a charity.” Chosen Point also offers the “SheepByte” member tracking system. When coupled with “EZ-Pastor” RFID based ID system, it makes a highly effective way to shepherd the flock. “After all, farmers' livestock are tracked, why not the Churches' flocks?”, noted Jameson. “SheepByte” is a comprehensive system for shepherding, including credit checks, social network monitoring, and Internet use monitoring. “EZ-Pastor” enhances tracking of attendance and speed up the collection of tithes and offerings. “EZ-Pastor” enhances revenues by reducing the chance for theft or “pretend drop of money/empty offertory envelop scams” that are inherent with cash-based systems. The “Premium SheepByte” (PSB) will fish through public and private sector databases to find information to help pastors better lead their congregations. Some clergy using the premium system have received congregant feedback such, “That sermon was so directed to me. How did he ever know about my secret doubts?” No miracle, just the power of modern data mining. A third service from Chosen Point, “FishNET”, gives the power of Ecclesiastical Competitive Intelligence Aggregation (eCIA). The eCIA was developed in partnership with unnamed associates in the DC Beltway area. More details on this system will be revealed later this year on October 31. 2005. ### -------- Original Message -------- Subject: FW: Word of the Day: APRIL-1 Date: Fri, 1 Apr 2005 13:26:21 -0500 From: Jim Harper <jharper@private> To: Declan McCullagh <declan@private> This looks like a very exciting new technology. Web version here: http://searchnetworking.techtarget.com/sDefinition/0,,sid7_gci1074704,00.html -----Original Message----- From: WhatIs [mailto:WhatIs@private] Sent: Friday, April 01, 2005 12:41 PM To: Jim Harper Subject: Word of the Day: APRIL-1 April 01, 2005 Published by WhatIs.com Word of the Day APRIL-1 Asynchronous Pulsed Radiated Incident Light (APRIL) is a multi-duplicitous communication protocol (MDCP) used to configure wireless local area networks (WLANs) on the fly. The Asynchronous Pulsed Radiated Incident Light protocol is based on a naturally occurring form of a partial mesh network, a network topology known for offering redundancy. Much like the technology used in fiber optics, Asynchronous Pulsed Radiated Incident Light relies on low-powered pulse emitters that require the signal to be repeated at distance intervals. Asynchronous Pulsed Radiated Incident Light specifies a way for all the nodes in the network to be within a direct line of sight from each other in three dimensions, a topology known as spherical communications space (SCS). Within that space, local network nodes self-organize much like they do in an ad hoc Bluetooth network. Each network is known as a swarm. The swarm will stay locked in asynchronous communication as nodes join or leave the network. Security coding is by mutual assent of the communicators, since any intruder can readily monitor all transmissions. Asynchronous Pulsed Radiated Incident Light relies on free space optical (FSO) bioluminescence, a point-to-point medium perfected by Lampyridae. The IEEE has wasted no time in beginning the standardization process, especially since the transmission scheme is inherently license free, apparently not monetized as of yet, and requires only miniscule amounts of energy. IEEE has designated Asynchronous Pulsed Radiated Incident Light with the name FiFli and establishing a FiFli forum to work out the details of 802.something-or-other. Two subcommittees representing both open source and proprietary vendors are currently locked in debate over what to name the signaling metric. One group is pushing for "Natural Optical Wavelength Access Yield." The other group wants the simplified designator "Wavelength Access Yield." It is expected that the NOWAY-WAY debate will be raging for some time. In an effort to reach a compromise, expert John Shepler has determined that the initial standards draft will be designated Asynchronous Pulsed Radiated Incident Light-One (APRIL-1). MORE INFO: > If this definition was confusing to you, these illustrated diagrams on expert John Shepler's Web site should enlighten you. http://www.t1rex.com/blog/fifli_illustrations.html -------- Original Message -------- Subject: Another April Fools yukk... Date: Fri, 01 Apr 2005 12:06:15 -0500 From: Richard Forno <rforno@private> To: Declan McCullagh <declan@private> FYI, if you're doing any pieces on April Fools pranks. :) Cheers, -rf ------ Forwarded Message FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE SIX INFORMATION SECURITY LUMINARIES RECEIVE CISSP CERTIFICATION 1 April 2005 The International Information Systems Security Certification Consortium, Inc. (ISC)² is proud to announce that six prominent security researchers have been awarded the coveted Certified Information Systems Security Professional (CISSP)™ certification. The world-recognized CISSP certification signifies that an individual has reached the pinnacle of their professional development and demonstrated competence in the information security field. “Attaining the CISSP affords me new career opportunities and I’m proud to have earned the recognition,” said Richard Forno, the former Chief Security Officer of Network Solutions and current Washington, DC-based security consultant. “Having the CISSP ― and many other letters after my name as well ― means quicker consideration in the hiring process because it’s clear that hiring managers use certifications as the single most accurate indicator of a person’s competence as a security expert and technology professional.” Brian Martin, a Denver-based security consultant and commentator, agreed, noting that the CISSP “will open new doors and offer exciting new glimpses into the inner child of network security.” He believes that the CISSP certification will bolster his “already-padded resume” and allow him to obtain new contract jobs as a certified security professional more easily while also commanding a higher hourly rate from his expanded base of prospective clients. Those certified as a CISSP must subscribe to the (ISC)² Code of Ethics, pass a written examination, be employed somewhere, pay recurring membership dues to (ISC)², maintain certification through continuing education, and recertify every three years for a small additional charge. The (ISC)² Code of Ethics for CISSPs ensures that only reputable professionals become certified; a rigorous examination of an applicant’s background is conducted to prevent a hacker or other questionable person from joining this elite community of security experts. Meeting this ethical standard was welcome news to “AJ”, leader of the black-hat hacker group ReznorBlades. “Just knowing that I’m now on the same level as many of the industry’s least-clued and over-paid professionals creates a feeling that I just can’t put to words. Now when a ‘professional’ sneers at my nose ring or dismisses me because of my haircut I can remind him that he and I are equal brothers in the charge to secure the planet from cyber-mischief.” ReznorBlades’ current project is building a distributed and stealthy cross-platform implementation of a RFC3514 attack tool to be released at DefCon later this year. Jay Dyson of Treachery Unlimited agrees. “For me, the CISSP was the perfect foil through which I could advance my career in computer and network security and, quite possibly, world domination. Now I only need to know half the stuff I used to, do only half the work I used to, and yet make twice the pay.” Dyson, who is currently vacationing in Jamaica, went on to describe how the CISSP certification has freed him from hardship at work. “I used to knock myself out to justify new hardware, major network architecture changes, and other stuff,” he said while sipping the local coffee. “Now I just announce that I am a CISSP and nobody argues ― no matter how wild my demands might sound to the un-certified. It’s like being a James Bond villain, only without the monocle and Persian longhair cat.” Similarly, Vmyths.com editor Rob Rosenberger lauded his elevation to computer security’s ruling class. “As a member of the Investigative Reporters and Editors Association, I was compelled to base my conclusions on evidence and metrics. But as someone with ‘CISSP’ on his business cards now, I can label anything a fact yet have no data to support it. As a result, I look forward to speaking with a new and undisputed authority on computer security topics and participating in vaguely worded white papers and international computer security surveys to create new job opportunities both for myself and other CISSPs.” Independent consultant Joshua Fritsch of UnixGeeks.org believes the CISSP certification is the ticket out of what he describes as “sysadmin hell.” Fritsch, who spends most of his time complaining about his workload instead of working on it, got his CISSP after sending five proofs-of-purchases from a Cracker Jack box (plus shipping and handling) to (ISC)². Messrs. Forno, Martin, Reznor, Dyson, Rosenberger, and Fritsch will be welcomed formally into the CISSP brotherhood on Saturday at a black-tie dinner in Washington, D.C, where both their CISSP certificates and keynote speech will be presented by D.K. Matai, chairman of the UK-based security research company mi2g. The list of prestigious (ISC)² members who have confirmed their attendance at the Washington event can be found at: http://vmyths.com/mm/whisper/2005/0401/cissp.txt For more information, contact: (ISC)² Institute 1965 Gallows Road, Suite 210 Vienna, Virginia 22182 PH: +1.866.462.4777 or +1.703.891.6781 FX: 1.703.891.0782 EM: institute@private ------ End of Forwarded Message _______________________________________________ Politech mailing list Archived at http://www.politechbot.com/ Moderated by Declan McCullagh (http://www.mccullagh.org/)
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