[ISN] DoD's Twelve Days of Christmas

From: InfoSec News (isnat_private)
Date: Wed Dec 25 2002 - 03:02:18 PST

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    The President has authorized the Department of Defense to assist Santa 
    with the Twelve Days of Christmas. 
    Status of acquisitions follows: 
    Day 1 - Partridge in a pear tree: The Army and Air Force are in the
    process of deciding whose area of responsibility Day 1 falls under.  
    Since the partridge is a bird, the Air Force believes it should have
    the lead. The Army, however, feels trees are part of the land
    component command's area of responsibility. After three months of
    discussion and repeated OpsDepsTank sessions, a $1M study has been
    commissioned to decide who should lead this joint program.
    Day 2 - Two turtle doves: Since doves are birds, the Air Force claims 
    responsibility. However, turtles are amphibious, so the Navy-Marine 
    Corps team feels it should take the lead. Initial studies have shown 
    that turtles and doves may have interoperability problems. Terms of 
    reference are being coordinated for a four-year, $10M DARPA study. 
    Day 3 - Three French Hens: At State Department instigation, the Senate 
    Committee on Foreign Affairs has blocked offshore purchase of hens, 
    from the French or anyone else. A $6M program is being developed to 
    find an acceptable domestic alternative. 
    Day 4 - Four Calling Birds: Source selection has been completed, with 
    the contract awarded to AT&T. However, the award is being challenged 
    by a small disadvantaged business. 
    Day 5 - Five Golden Rings: No available rings meet MILSPEC for gold 
    plating. A three-year, $5M accelerated development program has been 
    Day 6 - Six Geese a-Laying: The six geese have been acquired. However, 
    the shells of their eggs seem to be very fragile. It might have been a 
    mistake to build the production facility on a nuclear waste dump at 
    former Air Force base that was closed under BRAC. 
    Day 7 - Seven Swans a-Swimming: Fourteen swans have been killed trying 
    to get through the Navy SEAL training program. The program has been 
    put on hold while the training procedures are reviewed to determine 
    why the washout rate is so high. 
    Day 8 - Eight Maids a-Milking: The entire class of maids a milking 
    training program at Aberdeen is involved in a sexual harassment suit 
    against the Army. The program has been put on hold pending resolution 
    of the lawsuit. 
    Day 9 - Nine Ladies Dancing: Recruitment of the ladies dancing has 
    been halted by a lawsuit from the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell Association." 
    Members claim they have a right to dance and wear women's clothing as 
    long as they're off duty. 
    Day 10 - Ten Lords a-Leaping: The ten lords have been abducted by 
    terrorists. Congress has approved $2M in funding to conduct a rescue 
    operation. Army Special Forces and a USMC MEU(SOC) are conducting a 
    "NEO-off" competition for the right to rescue. 
    Day 11 - Eleven Pipers Piping: The pipe contractor delivered the pipes 
    on time. However, he thought DoD wanted smoking pipes. DoD lost the 
    claim due to defective specifications. A $22M dollar retrofit program 
    is in process to bring the pipes into spec. 
    Day 12 - Twelve Drummers Drumming: Due to cutbacks only six billets 
    are available for drumming drummers. DoD is in the process of 
    coordinating an RFP to obtain the six additional drummers by 
    outsourcing; however, funds will not be available until FY 05. 
    As a result of the above-mentioned programmatic delays, and due to a 
    High OPTEMPO that requires diversion of modernization funds to support 
    current readiness, Christmas is hereby postponed until further notice. 
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