FC: Grandma beats up airport security guards (humor, I think)

From: Declan McCullagh (declanat_private)
Date: Tue Jun 04 2002 - 19:35:55 PDT

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                      Grandma Beats Up Airport Security Guards
                                   by Bob Wallace
       Charges were dropped yesterday against Ruth "Grammy" Gordon, an
       83-year-old wheelchair-bound grandmother, who was originally charged
       with assault and battery, and assault with a deadly weapon, because an
       altercation she had last week with six airport security guards, that
       left all six hospitalized.
       "Justice has been served," said the 95-pound mother of three and
       grandmother of six, as she sat in her wheelchair, aided in her
       breathing by an oxygen bottle. "Now Im going to sue every fool in the
       federal government for ignorance, stupidity, and just plain general
       incompetence. Im an American, and I wont be treated like this."
       The problem began last month as Gordon was attempting to board an
       airplane at the R.J. Squirrel Airport in Frostbite Falls, Minnesota.
       "These guys are supposed to be some kind of professionals," she said,
       "but theyre dumber than rocks. Here they were letting guys who looked
       just like terrorists walk through without searching them, and then
       they pull me aside and tell me theyre going to search me? I dont think
       According to one witness, Bud Cort of Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio, one guard,
       "who weighed about 300 pounds, looked like he was drunk, and had his
       shirt out, told this woman she couldnt board the plane unless they
       searched her. He was really rude. Thats when the trouble started."
       Videotapes showed that Gordon ran the guard down with her motorized
       wheelchair, then sat on top of the screaming man while spinning her
       chair in circles. "Doofus was so fat he couldnt get up," said Gordon
       with a giggle.
       One guard who attempted to pull Gordons wheelchair off of the
       screaming man from behind was hit over the head with an oxygen bottle
       and knocked unconscious. A third guard, who approached Gordon from the
       front, was also left dazed on the floor. Witnesses said she was
       cackling, "Put your hands on an old lady, will you?" as she bashed
       both guards.
       The tape also showed a fourth guard attempting to grab Gordons
       wheelchair. Gordon removed a knitting needle from her purse and
       stabbed him in his left buttock. "What a wimp," she told reporters.
       "He started screaming and grabbing his butt and running like a puppy
       that someone kicked."
       "It was amazing," said another witness, Scott Ryan, also of Cuyahoga
       Falls, a professor of music at Ohio Express University and author of
       Yusef Islam: Cat Stevens Declawed. "The whole crowd just stood there
       cheering and clapping. I mean, she was whupping butt."
       A fifth guard that attempted to grab Gordon had the seat of his pants
       set on fire with a cigarette lighter than had escaped detection. "He
       just went whoosh across the concourse, screaming and slapping at all
       these flames flying out of his rear," said Ryan.
       A sixth guard did finally manage to get Gordon in a body hug. "I think
       that was the wrong thing to do," said another witness, who declined to
       be identified. "She just grabbed him by his greasy hair with one hand
       and cracked him across the jaw with her skinny fist. And down and out
       he went."
       After all this, Gordons chair was still sitting on top of the first
       guard. The tapes clearly showed her leaning over and yelling,
       "Apologize to me, you fat sumbitch, or when Im done with you youll
       just be a greasy spot on the floor!"
       As the crowd roared, the guard cried, "Im sorry, Im sorry! Uncle! I
       wont do it again!"
       Finally, Gordon surrendered without further incident, and was taken to
       jail and released on her own recognizance. "We didnt have any choice,"
       said an unidentified officer of the court. "Over 200 people showed up
       to support her. I think if we had demanded bail, there would have been
       a riot."
       Over 20 lawyers offered to defend her for free. However, realizing the
       precariousness of the case, Gordon was not charged with anything. "I
       doubt theres a jury in the whole country that would have found her
       guilty of anything," said one of the lawyers.
       "Im flying again tomorrow," Gordon told reporters. "And I suggest no
       one at the airport so much as look at me wrong."
         All six guards, employees of the Bullwinkle Security Company, were
        taken to Badanov Hospital, treated for minor injuries, and released.
       "All of them are okay," said their doctor, who identified herself only
                      as Natasha. "Just very minor injuries."
         The owner of the security firm, a Mr. Big, said he considered his
                         employees to be "fearless leaders.
                                                                 May 27, 2002
       Bob Wallace [send him mail], a former newspaper reporter and editor,
       and an incurable lover of puns, lives in St. Louis.
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